crying

Today I cried. Not the crazy, loud crying but the quiet tears roll down your face kind of crying. I tried to pull it together, but it was too late. I hoped no one noticed, but they did. It was embarrassing. It was in an awkward situation. When I was back in the safety and privacy of my car I began to think about my tears. A month or so ago I was told that someone said I have a beautiful cry. This comment caught me off guard. Could there be such a thing? It seems like an oxymoron, crying is not beautiful. There is snot and puffy, red eyes and running mascara. Not a pretty sight. I feel lots of things when I cry, but beautiful is never one of them. My friend's statement has stayed with me. These weeks have passed by and I have thought about what my friend meant. Today in the parking lot of the doctor's office, it all came together to me.

I hate crying. I hate it more than just about anything else. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel out of control. I don't like that. I want to be strong and in control. I don't like it when other people see me cry. To me it's an admission, "I am not strong. I am not in control." Reality is, I'm not. I'm weak. I have no clue. I like to pretend. To fake out everyone in my life. But sometimes I just can't. It's just too hard. In those moments I cry. In those moments I am real. I think that is where the beauty comes in. When I cry something happens. This independent, have it all together, don't need anyone or anything woman fades away and my humanity breaks through. I am not always okay. In those moments I need people.

Crying for me equals humility. Tears come to my eyes to remind me of what I am not, who I am not. Humility. I think that is the beauty in the tears. I like to think I'm a humble person, but I'm not. One tear reminds me of that. The fact that I resist that feeling building up in me, the "oh no, I'm going to cry" feeling tells me that I am indeed not humble. Tears push me to that place of true humility, of true humanity. I want to learn to live my life in tears, not literally, but in that place of vulnerability. It's hard. It's dangerous. But it's real.

I've always wanted to be beautiful. The stunning, vain, look at me kind of beautiful. That is not what God is calling me to. God is calling me to be beautiful. REAL beautiful. The kind of beautiful that is only found in humility. I long to practice humility in my life. Not just to be forced into it by my tears, but to live it, to be it.

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:8

God, give me more grace. Grace to be humble. Grace to be real. Grace to see beauty in my tears and in the tears of others.