letter

Today I went to the mailbox. I usually don't do this, but I was home this afternoon and my mom wasn't, so I went. I opened it up and grabbed the wad of mail. Back in the house I started sorting it out to put it in everyone's personal mailbox (aka: the kitchen table). Some for my parents, some for Amelia, some for Alicia. Then I saw it. I got a letter. Not just any letter, a letter from Kennesaw State University. I live in fear of these letters. Over my extended college career these letter have always been the bearer of bad news. My heart sank when I saw the envelope. What could it be? I'm doing better in school. I'm almost done. Graduation is in sight. I am nervous. On closer examination I see that the letter is from the College of Education and then I really start to freak out. There must be a problem with my student teaching. Oh no. Even though I'm home alone I feel the need to lock myself in the bathroom to view the contents of this letter. I shut the door and stare at the envelope preparing myself for the worst. I begin to tear the seal. I open it up hold my breath and begin to read. "Dear Lindsay: It is with great pleasure that I congratulate you on being a member of the Dean's list this past term." Pleasure. Congratulate. Dean's List. These are not terms that I am familiar with reading in letters from KSU. I look again. It has my name and my address. It is to me. I made the Dean's List!! I have been in college for 7 years and never once have I made the Dean's List. This is a milestone and my education career. It has been hard. I have struggled against it so many times. I have wanted to drop out. I still do a lot of times. I have not done my best most of the time. I have failed. I have withdrawn. I have just stopped going. And now I have made the Dean's List. It has not all been in vain. This unending pursuit has an end in sight. Not only will I finish, but I will finish strong. On good terms. On the Dean's List.

Most days I think that I don't need a college degree. I don't need one. I don't even necessarily want one. But I can have one. I have the option. I look at my parents, especially my dad and know that he would have wanted a chance for a college degree, but he didn't have the option. My dad is so smart and brave. He is a true student. He loves learning. And now at 55 years old going back to school is an option for him and he is going to do it! My dad going to college!! I think that is awesome. I admire him so much. So as I keep walking this road to graduation I will think of my dad. Of the opportunity that I have that he had to wait half his life for.

When I get my diploma, it will be a celebration of so many things. Of the long road that lead me here. Of the countless people who have stood beside me on the way. This letter reminds me of that. This is not something that I have done on my own. You all share a part. This is our letter. Our day to celebrate.

Experiment

I've been silently contemplating this blog experiment for a while now. You see, I used to be an avid journalist. I loved to record my thoughts and my life in a way that I could look back and see where I've been and where I've come to. Something happened though. I just can't do it anymore. It's just gone. I want to want to, but I just don't. I look at my journal and it's just empty. No words. No life. That's how I feel. For the past year, I have maybe 5 journal entries. When I look at that I feel empty and dead, like nothing in my life was worth recording. What is sad is that is true. There wasn't anything in my life last year that was worth putting on paper. That which did happen in my life, I would never want to put on paper. It would be too hard. Much has changed. God has rescued me in a major way. He has filled my life with incredible goodness. With life and love. With friends. With community. That is the stuff I want to remember. But I just can't get it in the stinking journal. Maybe I've just gotten too lazy to actually pick up the pencil and write. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to look back and have no record of this incredible time in my life. So I figure I'll give this a try. I spend so much time on the computer, maybe this will act as a pre-journal journal. It could never take it's place. There is just something about looking at your own handwriting. It's like a time machine. In an instant you can be back to the day you first wrote it, remembering what you were feeling, what was going on. It's good for us to have that record of our lives, our history. So, I'm hoping this little blogging experiment will resurrect the part of my heart that loves to journal, that my life will flow off this screen and onto the pages of my journal.